I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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