my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
