Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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