I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
