i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
