So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
