nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
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the room spins SO much faster in panama
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
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I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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