i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
