I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
