Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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