i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
