No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
