I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
