Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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