How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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