I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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