Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
