Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
