Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
