Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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