my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
