You're a womanizer and a bitch.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
