I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
