Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I just had sex on a roof
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
