Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
