yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
