why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
