Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
