Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
ttyl tear gas
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
40s are totally the cure
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
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