Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
