She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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