Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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