It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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