At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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