Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
17 People Who Prepared For Spring Break The Right Way
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
21 Distraught People Found Out They Had An STD
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him