I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.