I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(