so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
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just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
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I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.