Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
As shirtless as possible
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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