Umm I'm too high to move.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
