Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
