haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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