I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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