I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
