I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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