sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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