Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
