no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
