No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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