I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
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I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
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The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
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