shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
