nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I pour the whiskey from now on
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
