I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
