Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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