Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
