I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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