I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
