I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
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