if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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