Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
