We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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