I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
